I miss home

I am a zebra surrounded by horses.
Don't pet me; I'm not a dog, I'm just different.
I am a stiletto in a room full of flip flops.
Don't try to put me on, believe me you can't walk in them.
I am the afro in a world of blondes.
Literally & it SUCKS!!!!
Kevin Hall painted gown, Kimora Lee Simons

A letter to God

I can't imagine life for my children's children.
The opportunities.
Thank you!!!!

In the words of another...

I'm a prisoner

Of words unsaid

Just lonely feelings

Locked away in my head

I trap myself further

Every time I stay quiet

I should start to speak

But I stop and stay silent

And now I've made

My own hard bed

Inside a prison of words unsaid

I am a P.O.W.

Not a prisoner of war

A prisoner of words

Like a soldier

I'm a fighter

Yet only a puppet

Mostly I only say

What you wanna hear

Could you take it if I came clear?

Or would you rather see me

Stoned on a drug of complacency and compromise

M.I.A.

I guess that's what I am

Scraping this cold earth

For a piece of myself

For peace in myself

P.O.W. by Alicia Keys

It'd be easier if you put me in jail

If you locked me away

I'd have someone to blame

But these bars of steel are of my making

They surround my mind

And have me shaking

My hands are cuffed behind my back

I'm a prisoner of the worst kind, in fact

A prisoner of compromise

A prisoner of compassion

A prisoner of kindness

A prisoner of expectation

A prisoner of my youth

Run too fast to be old

I've forgotten what I was told

Ain't I a sight to behold?

A prisoner of age dying to be young

To my head is my hand with a gun

And it's cold and it's hard

Cause there's nowhere to run

When you've caged youself

By holding your tongue

I'm a prisoner

Of words unsaid

Just lonely feelings

Locked away in my head

It's like solitary confinement

Every time I stay quiet

I should start to speak

But I stop and stay silent

And now I've made

My own hard bed

Inside a prison of words unsaid

$20 Bondage Tape Black, $ 230 Ilya Fleet Long Silver Wrist Cuffs, $240 Ilya Fleet Prayer Cuffs Black, $175 Kiki de Montparnasse 24K handcuff and key necklace, $165 Porcelain Geisha Gag Lips

Warning

Don't think

It infuriates

Stay busy

It overwhelms

Never be alone

It depresses

I'm afraid of quiet

$165 Maison Fabre driving gloves, Saks.com

What's next?

Do not mislead me.
Don't bullshit me.
Be upfront in the beginning!!!
How hard is it to be honest?
It might be a little disappointing but it's way better than how I'm feeling right now.
DO NOT MISLEAD ME!!! It only pisses me off.

$600 Campise gun necklace in gold, RonHerman.com

ENCORE!!!!!!!

I was a smurfette.
It was hot, packed, and uncomfortable.
I didn't get enough attention and I showed it.
It was awkward.
All my guys in one room. Except Bryan.
If Bryan had been here it would have been fun.

$700 Betony Vernon Pleasure Puff Ring

Positivity

Today feels like it could be good



I really hope so.

$1,690 bag, Christian Louboutin

Downgrade

I miss the old me.
If I saw myself I wouldn't recognize me and I definitely wouldn't hang out with me.
I'm at least 15lbs heavier.
My hair is a hot mess.
I wear character shoes!!!
I'm broke.
I'm not happy.
I miss the old me.

Sweetness

Tonight was better.
I didn't exactly know the people but it was cotton candy nonetheless.
I felt like I had friends.

We laughed.
We joked.
We criticized.

I felt like my opinion mattered.

Daydreams & Wish Lists

I wish I had a voice that whenever I spoke everyone listened.
10 letter words and haiku.
A lusty smoky hypnotic tone.

I wish I were important.

Recall

Okay I'm a little over dramatic. But sometimes I do feel like that. And it's soo random. I can be having a wonderful day then... boom. It creeps up on me. My mom says I'm scared of quiet.

Maybe I am.

Anxiety

I have a hole in my chest. No one can see it 

and no one knows,
but it's definitely there.  
And it moves.
Sometimes it's in my throat.  
Or my heart
Or in the front of my chest before my ribs
Or in my back in the middle of my spine 
And it varies in size.
It comes when I sit too still for too long and 

I'm too quiet.
I worry.