Playing It Safe

Sometimes I feel like I get in my own way. Like I make it impossible for people to form truly meaningful relationships with me, be it romantic or platonic. I feel this way a lot, in all aspects of my life. I feel like I don’t give enough to my career. Like my whole life I’ve played in neutral. Not totally fucking it up(Sorry mama), but not aggressively pursuing anything. Anything.

I was an average student in high school. I passed all my tests with As but refused to do homework. I wasn‘t outright failing but I didn’t put out any effort to make anything above a C. I wasn’t really in any clubs. I ended up in the Theatre program only because I didn’t make the Musical Theatre program. I was on the step team for maybe a month, but never performed. I’ve never really pursued any friendships I just hung out with people who hung out with me. I’ve played my entire life in auto-pilot. Giving just enough to get by. Why?


What can I do to break out of this shell? It truly feels like I’m fighting myself sometimes. I’m stuck in a mediocre frame of living. I can see myself gliding through life and I’m fighting, but… I’m terrified. Terrified that if I actually, genuinely, give all of me and fail…

Nevertheless, I’m working on it. Fighting everyday to live. I falter as every one does and there are days where the fear brings on depression and I won‘t get out of bed, but then there are times where I’m out in the world: taking chances, stopping traffic, pursuing my dreams. It’s a work in progress, but I want to live and live vigorously.

Operation Household Name - December Edition

A video blog updating you on what's happening in the Queendom. ;)

From my heart and my mind to you.... Check it out!
Operation Household Name the December edition!

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