The "N" Word

I'm sharing an entry from my diary. Usually I keep my feelings to me, my notepad, and my mama. I don't share my peresonal business, but here it is. 

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Yesterday Evan, Chris's ex,s aid "Nigga" right in from of my face and I did nothing. 

It’s kinda ironic because I’d just finished declaring my disdain for Brandon Banderas, a mutual AMDA friend. Unbeknownst to Chris, I stopped liking Brandon for almost the same reason.
We were all at Debra's. High. And Brandon said the ‘N-word’. And everyone got really quiet.
I don’t even want to finish this story. I’m so tired of everything having to be my issue. But I was offended and I didn’t say anything. So I didn’t stick up for myself.

I’m so tired of being offended.
This word has so much power. So much weight. So much bad, ugly, horrific, gut wrenching, sad, sad, sad, sad history.

I don’t want to!
I’m tired of carrying the weight of Nigger.

I’m tired of carrying the weight of nigga.

Why would anyone, someone want to call another human being ‘that’ knowing all the history and pain behind it?
Have we forgotten?
Is our generation so blessedly progressive that we no longer feel the pain on it? Can we no longer hear the cries? Remember the plight?

So disassociated we can’t even fathom for one moment
Are we numb?
Forward thinking?
Beyond it?
So filled with love for one another?

Or blasphemous?
Ignorant?
Ungrateful?
Stupid?
Unfeeling?

I feel the distaste and despite of myself I still say it to be cool, current, shocking, appealing.

Emotional lashes.
I refuse to bear
Chipping away at my soul
For the sake of a Nicki Minaj verse
Fear of the loss of a friend
My soul is worth more.

The guilt alone is unbearable.
I have to look at myself in the mirror.

I am a bleeding, feeling, crying spirit

And I feel it.
I’m aware. I remember.

And I carry the weight of nigger.

But maybe I’m just close minded.

A century behind my brilliant minded, tech savy, hashtag, Instagram generation.

Operation Household Name: August

HOW Magazine Blog | Creativity Quote (clipped to polyvore.com)

Shoniqua Shandai  Actress-Singer-Dancer Sucka4Fashion@aol.com SAG ELIGIBLE
Vocal: Mezzo-Soprano	Height: 5’3
Hair: Brown	Eyes: Brown

Film

Real Love	Lead		Mario Larios
Battle Buddy	Lead		Gerard McMurray
Cellular Diaspora	Lead		Renata Green-Gaber
The Pilferer	Lead		Alamada Karatihy
Kim’s Grocery	Supporting		Jing Shao
The Church Office	Supporting		Nancy Bellany
Chihuahua: The Movie	Supporting		Michael Amundsen – Laguna Productions
Television
Shared Space: Pilot	Regular		Bernard Dixon Jr.
EDM Takeover	Host		Tim Railin
Internet
Hammertime	Dancer		Marc Klasfeld - Promo

Live Event
Student Election Benefit	Singer		Herb Tripp - LACC
Nations Call	Host		Nation Zamar - Concert

Theatre

Ravenswood	Ruth Benson	Steve Helgoth - The Underground Theatre
A Piece Of My Heart	Steele	Janet Hoskins - The Underground Theatre
The Wiz**	Evilene	Nicole Barr - Center for the Arts
Miracle Worker: Showcase	Kate Keller	Todd Ritter - Center for the Arts
Amazing Grace*	Demon 1 & Choir	Jerry Notare - Jabez Ministries
*Originated the Role	**Best Actress Award

Training

Dustin Felder Acting Studio – Los Angeles

Acting

Dustin Felder

Los Angeles City College – Los Angeles (LACC)

Intermediate Acting

Tina Kronis

American Musical and Dramatic Academy - Los Angeles (AMDA)

Acting	Jim Bontempo and Laura Flanagan
On-Camera Acting	Terésa Dowell-Vest and Michael Zelniker
Musical Theatre	Brooks Almy, John Sloman, and Dae Spering
Voice Production and Speech	Anne Burk and Deborah Ross-Sullivan
Dance	Marina Benedict, Simeon Den, and Jon Engstrom,
Individual Voice	Mary Amorosia

Center for the Arts – Richmond, VA

Theatre

Todd Ritter and Adanma Onyedike

ComedySportz – Richmond, VA

Improvisation

Christine Walters

Skills

Casting Associate; Associate Producer; Dance: Tap beg, Jazz beg, Hip Hop med, and Vogue beg; Guitar beg; Trained cashier and waitress; Fashion Guru

Operation Household Name - December Edition

A video blog updating you on what's happening in the Queendom. ;)

From my heart and my mind to you.... Check it out!
Operation Household Name the December edition!

http://shoniquashandai.blogspot.com/
http://twitter.com/#!/shoniquashandai
http://www.youtube.com/shoniquashandai
http://resumes.actorsaccess.com/shoniquashandai
www.facebook.com/pages/Shoniqua-Shandai/212602495988

Bonnie Pointer "Strangest Day"

"Stuck Like Glue" - Sugarland Music Video

Check me out! I play a hooker. ;)

ITS OUT!!!

I saw The Back-Up Plan twice the day it came out. lol. I have a substantial amount of face time. lol. For those of you that haven't seen it yet here are some pics of me on set... just so you'll know what to look for. lol.

Oooooh and here's the behind the scenes footage of the show I hosted. Sort of a mix of 106 & Park meets TRL but for House music. I edited the video myself. lol If you can't tell... I styled myself by the way. I'm soooo proud. lol
EDM (Electronic Dance Music) Takeover

"No, Father. The Moon's Reaching For Me."

     When I was a little girl riding in the back seat of my mother's beat up Chevrolet, during the day time I'd read, but at night... on those rides through the winding roads of Richmond, VA, I'd look at the sky and there he'd be. Every night. No matter where I was. Or how torturous the previous day had been. He'd be there. My friend, the moon.
     We'd giggle, and gossip, and play games. He was always best at hide-and-seek. I'd ball up and close my eyes for a full verse of whatever song was playing on the radio, and when my eyes opened he was always there. My friend, the moon. He followed me. He loved me. I forgot.

     I'm a sharer. Not of my things, I'm stingy with those. And ask any man whose attempted to date me and he'll tell you the #1 thing I'm stingy with, but there's one thing I've given freely since before my car rides with the moon. My thoughts. Be it through fashion, the stage, writings, or conversation. I love to share.

     Unfortunately when I lost my friend, I stifled some of my gifts. For the first time I became the listener. Not to build up in selflessness or because I was particularly interested in what others had to say, but I was afraid. I went from a world in neon colors where everything was cotton candy. I was the ruler, and there was no such thing as "You can't" or "Impossible." I went to sleep one night and when I awoke the world was ugly. People were cruel. Colors were drab, and it stank. So, I became quiet. I forgot.

     I listened and I learned. I've been quiet for almost 10 years now. As I've grown, in spurts I remember what the world was before. A world where everyone was beautiful, regardless of color; shape; or anything exterior. Ugly people were simply the mean people. Every day I remember more. Every day I become more and more of what I used to be.

     I'm not like you. I'm not of this world. I'm an empress from a world that's far more advanced than here. But during my bleak existence amongst this very drab universe, I've learned alot.

1. Not everyone love you.

2. Not everyone is nice.

3. It's okay to listen. When you're quiet you observe, and observations surpass anything anyone can tell you.

     Hopefully before I go, there are lessons this world can learn from me. If not, than what am I here for? I'm a very important being, take notes. The moon follows me.

God Keeps Telling Me To Shut Up

      I love singing, even more so than acting. :-O Yeah, I said it. But I rarely do it. I truly don't think I'm that great of a singer and it doesn't help that the people around me are absolutely spectacular at it. lol Recently my doubts have gotten really bad. I've had several solo arguments with God about it and I've even considered giving it up, but I just LOOOOVE doing it so much.
      Yesterday, I wrapped on Chihuahua: The Movie and the Sound Mixer gave me his business card, lo and behold the sound guy works in music. :) He has a studio and writes music and is "always in the need of singers". Could this be a sign?
      Later on we're discussing music and one of the producers comes over and asks me to sing. My heart stops. OH GAH!!! I open my mouth and belt out Aretha praying all the way that I don't crack. Everyone on set stops whatever they're doing and listens. *sigh* When I finish they roar and I'm pretty ecstatic. I exit to well wishes and hugs.
      Later on I sign out in the office and both of the producers are having a discussion. Greg, the producer who asked me to sing, has two movie ideas in mind, one circling around a singer. *wink* I won't give too much info because I'm not sure what I'm allowed to say and what I'm not and I really don't want to jinx myself. But long story short, I inspired him to want to make a movie about a singer. I did extra work on one of his last projects and he remembered my amazing attitude from that.... :-D What a way to wrap a movie?
      Today I started shooting The Untitled Gospel Project. The director is also the writer, star actress, producer, casting director, editor, and is composing the soundtrack. ROTFLMAO! Now it sounds bad and terribly unprofessional, but its not. We're filming in a nice location with a pretty great crew. Everything is going ahead of schedule and the script is good. The woman is multitasking her ass off and it works for her. We wrap my scene of the day and sit and talk. She asks me to sing the title track for the soundtrack!!! SERIOUSLY?!!! All of this in two days and that's not even all that has happened, but just the major things.
      When God moves he moves. I really don't know why I continue to doubt. I went through this before and he showed me I was on the right path. It's like I praise him for the miracles and forget or something distracts, and I'm right back to doubting. Then he has to go and prove himself again. It's an endless cycle. Well I'm done doubting! God didn't make me to sound like Beyonce. Or Aretha. Or Tatiana McConnico. lol. I'm Shoniqua Shandai. A Queen. Beautiful, funny, well-dressed lol, intelligent, a phenomenal actress, and a bad ass singer. Greatness comes in individuality and I'm embracing my Queendom!

 

"Hatin' On The Club" Rihanna feat. The-Dream

Its only fair if something makes you feel so good and uplifts your mood, that you're entitled to tell someone else about it.

I was in the crappiest mood. I'd slept for 20 hrs straight. lol That's bad. My head was hurting. I was feeling dizzy and anxious. My first batch of anxiety in a very long time. So I put on music and nothing was making me feel better. Beyonce, Trey Songz, Tyga, Toni, even MJ wasn't working. Then this song came on. "Hatin' On The Club" Rihanna feat. The-Dream.

Needless to say, I've never exactly felt what she's describing in the song. The Non-existant aka My Love Life I've never heard about my man kissing someone else in the club, causing me to hate the club. lol The song just made me feel good.

Rihanna's voice fits the song perfectly. I don't think she's the best singer, but the way she changed my mood she could be the next Whitney Houston. The beat has a great energy about it and its easy enough with the catchy church hand clap underlaying. The-Dream penned it and everyone who knows me knows I LOVE THE-DREAM! The man is incredible, with hits like "Single Ladies" by Beyonce, "Umbrella" also by Rihanna, and "Bed" by J.Holiday.

So no ones confused "Hatin' On The Club" isn't a new song. It was recorded during the Good Girl Gone Bad sessions, but didn't make the album.

It makes me want to sing & dance = Anxiety gone = I feel better.

And it gave birth to my first official music review post. "Hatin' On The Club" will always have a special place in my heart. *wipes tear* lol

Just Another Sad Love Song

I haven't blurbed in a while. So here it is. lol   No poetry, nothing fancy. Just me ranting on   one topic. lol

Just Another Sad Love Song

I don't like love songs. They make me feel sad and lonely, yet I can't stay away from them. Is everyone out living this exciting, fulfilling, happy life accompanied by their soulmate who completes them in every way possible and dishes out mind-blowing sex 24/7? Am I missing out?

...AND THE SAD LOVE SONGS!

They're even more depressing. Not the actual stories they're telling, though they do get pretty rough, but the begging and crying. Someone was motivated by another human being enough to pour their hearts out and embarrass themselves for all of our benefit. I've never felt that longing for anything, well success and clothing... so does that make me superficial.

A man has yet to trump the way I feel about myself or my career or my favorite pair of shoes. I cried when I lost my burgundy guess purse and stiletto cowboy, burgundy, butterfly engraved, Nine West boots to match, (Moment Of Silence, Please. Those shoes were bad.) yet I never gave a damn about anyone of the opposite sex. A man hasn't moved me to create, write, or even play a love song on repeat and day dream in the dark. I do that for myself. lol That's my me time.

Does this stem from me never really knowing my father? I'm trying to counsel myself right now. lol My father has been incarcerated for most of my life and my mother fell a victim to project twins...

Project Twins

When a man gets two diff. women pregnant at the same time.

"Man, you hear about Rob?"

"Nah, what happened?"

"He got Denise & Sherrie pregnant at the same time."

"Ah ha! That nigga havin' 'Project Twins!'"

Courtesy of UrbanDictionary.com There's even a link where you can get the definition on a mug for $19.95 http://bit.ly/MxC9f

...and this is causing me to close myself off from guys as to not repeat the cycle. Likely, but pretty much bullshit. I haven't found a man worthy of me. I'm the shit and he should be too. Men step your game up. I'm getting bored.