An Actor's Rant

I've been training in acting seriously since 2003: SPARC, CFA, ComedySportz, AMDA, LACC, Killian's Commercial Workshop, DFAS, Carnetta's Journey to an Oscar, and Playhouse West (if I forgot anyone I am sorry.) I have over $30,000 in student loans, but I've loved every single minute of it, because if you want to be a great actor, you have to study. So I study.

I've spent countless of dollars on postcards; casting services; headshot printing, uploading, and shoots; business cards; mailings; and a website because those are the tools that will market you to agents and casting directors and they get you the jobs. So I market. 

I was finally brave enough to take a short film script I kept hidden for years and share it with others. I couldn't find a producer to guide me through filmmaking so with a few tidbits from friends and God I stepped up and became my own. I hired a cast and crew of 30 people and together we created a beautiful film, because I've been in LA for 8 years and I came to LA to act. So I made an opportunity to act.

They don't tell you about this stuff on TV. About the time. And the money. And the tears. It's lonely, and terrifying and everyday I wish God would've made me a doctor. Nothing about this business is guaranteed, I've been here for 8 years and still can't even pay my phone bill consistently on acting alone. I could be here another 8 years to no avail... but I've got mama. And I got my heart. And I've got a desire, and when I'm in "it", like really so deep in a character, in a zone... it's God. And I can't, won't stop. And as long as I've got my imagination, God and a keyboard, I'll never be unemployed. I'm an actor, you can keep your "aspiring", I've paid my dues.

The "N" Word

I'm sharing an entry from my diary. Usually I keep my feelings to me, my notepad, and my mama. I don't share my peresonal business, but here it is. 

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Yesterday Evan, Chris's ex,s aid "Nigga" right in from of my face and I did nothing. 

It’s kinda ironic because I’d just finished declaring my disdain for Brandon Banderas, a mutual AMDA friend. Unbeknownst to Chris, I stopped liking Brandon for almost the same reason.
We were all at Debra's. High. And Brandon said the ‘N-word’. And everyone got really quiet.
I don’t even want to finish this story. I’m so tired of everything having to be my issue. But I was offended and I didn’t say anything. So I didn’t stick up for myself.

I’m so tired of being offended.
This word has so much power. So much weight. So much bad, ugly, horrific, gut wrenching, sad, sad, sad, sad history.

I don’t want to!
I’m tired of carrying the weight of Nigger.

I’m tired of carrying the weight of nigga.

Why would anyone, someone want to call another human being ‘that’ knowing all the history and pain behind it?
Have we forgotten?
Is our generation so blessedly progressive that we no longer feel the pain on it? Can we no longer hear the cries? Remember the plight?

So disassociated we can’t even fathom for one moment
Are we numb?
Forward thinking?
Beyond it?
So filled with love for one another?

Or blasphemous?
Ignorant?
Ungrateful?
Stupid?
Unfeeling?

I feel the distaste and despite of myself I still say it to be cool, current, shocking, appealing.

Emotional lashes.
I refuse to bear
Chipping away at my soul
For the sake of a Nicki Minaj verse
Fear of the loss of a friend
My soul is worth more.

The guilt alone is unbearable.
I have to look at myself in the mirror.

I am a bleeding, feeling, crying spirit

And I feel it.
I’m aware. I remember.

And I carry the weight of nigger.

But maybe I’m just close minded.

A century behind my brilliant minded, tech savy, hashtag, Instagram generation.

Operation Household Name: Quick Testimony

 

Be Humble or Be Humbled

⁸ “When someone invites you to a wedding feast, do not take the place of honor, for a person more distinguished than you may have been invited. ⁹ If so, the host who invited both of you will come and say to you, ‘Give this person your seat.’ Then, humiliated, you will have to take the least important place. ¹⁰ But when you are invited, take the lowest place, so that when your host comes, he will say to you, ‘Friend, move up to a better place.’ Then you will be honored in the presence of all the other guests. ¹¹ For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”

Luke 14:8-11

As an up and coming actress I'm often working in various areas of the industry. I think it's important to be familiar with every component of acting. I've been a casting assistant, production assistant, 2nd A.D., and receptionist for a smaller independent studio. I've worked at several events such as the New Music Seminar, an Oscar viewing party, The Showbiz Expo, and most recently the Kelly Price Grammy Party.Working in these various positions and seeing celebrities, interacting with them, is a jewel. I get a glimpse at their real personlities. I'm not famous or a fan at that moment, to them I'm just a lowly assistant so there's no facades or performances put upon. I've come to realize the truly successful people, the game changers; the bar setters; record breakers, handle themselves with such grace and humility. More often than not it's the C-List celebrities, the one who's done maybe one or two big films or has been in a television show a while back; they look familiar but you can't place where you know them from, that are the absolute divas. A lesson to be learned there... Is humility a huge factor in your success?

In The Words Of Another 2.0

I've been working on being more grateful. Positive energy begets positive thoughts, actions, and a positive  lifestyle. What can make you happier than thinking about all the things you've been blessed with. :) I love happy people.

I am thankful for...

by Nancie J. Carmody

...the mess to clean up after a party

because it means I have been surrounded by friends.

...the taxes I pay

because it means that I'm employed.

...the clothes that fit a little too snug

because it means I have enough to eat.

...my shadow who watches me work

because it means I am out in the sunshine.

...the spot I find at the far end of the parking lot

because it means I am capable of walking.

...all the complaining I hear about our government

because it means we have freedom of speech.

...that lady behind me in church who sings off key

because it means that I can hear.

...lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that need fixing

because it means I have a home.

...my huge heating bill

because it means that I am warm.

...weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day

because it means that I have been productive.

...the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours

because it means that I am alive.

WELL ON OUR WAY!!!!

http://www.shoniquashandai.com/

SHONIQUASHANDAI.COM IS LAAAAAAAAUNCHED!!!!!!

Enough Said

Shoniqua Shandai  Actress-Singer-Dancer Sucka4Fashion@aol.com SAG ELIGIBLE
Vocal: Mezzo-Soprano	Height: 5’3
Hair: Brown	Eyes: Brown

Film

Real Love	Lead		Mario Larios
Battle Buddy	Lead		Gerard McMurray
Cellular Diaspora	Lead		Renata Green-Gaber
The Pilferer	Lead		Alamada Karatihy
Kim’s Grocery	Supporting		Jing Shao
The Church Office	Supporting		Nancy Bellany
Chihuahua: The Movie	Supporting		Michael Amundsen – Laguna Productions
Television
Shared Space: Pilot	Regular		Bernard Dixon Jr.
EDM Takeover	Host		Tim Railin
Internet
Hammertime	Dancer		Marc Klasfeld - Promo

Live Event
Student Election Benefit	Singer		Herb Tripp - LACC
Nations Call	Host		Nation Zamar - Concert

Theatre

Ravenswood	Ruth Benson	Steve Helgoth - The Underground Theatre
A Piece Of My Heart	Steele	Janet Hoskins - The Underground Theatre
The Wiz**	Evilene	Nicole Barr - Center for the Arts
Miracle Worker: Showcase	Kate Keller	Todd Ritter - Center for the Arts
Amazing Grace*	Demon 1 & Choir	Jerry Notare - Jabez Ministries
*Originated the Role	**Best Actress Award

Training

Dustin Felder Acting Studio – Los Angeles

Acting

Dustin Felder

Los Angeles City College – Los Angeles (LACC)

Intermediate Acting

Tina Kronis

American Musical and Dramatic Academy - Los Angeles (AMDA)

Acting	Jim Bontempo and Laura Flanagan
On-Camera Acting	Terésa Dowell-Vest and Michael Zelniker
Musical Theatre	Brooks Almy, John Sloman, and Dae Spering
Voice Production and Speech	Anne Burk and Deborah Ross-Sullivan
Dance	Marina Benedict, Simeon Den, and Jon Engstrom,
Individual Voice	Mary Amorosia

Center for the Arts – Richmond, VA

Theatre

Todd Ritter and Adanma Onyedike

ComedySportz – Richmond, VA

Improvisation

Christine Walters

Skills

Casting Associate; Associate Producer; Dance: Tap beg, Jazz beg, Hip Hop med, and Vogue beg; Guitar beg; Trained cashier and waitress; Fashion Guru

Operation Household Name January: You Are What You Say You Are

Playing It Safe

Sometimes I feel like I get in my own way. Like I make it impossible for people to form truly meaningful relationships with me, be it romantic or platonic. I feel this way a lot, in all aspects of my life. I feel like I don’t give enough to my career. Like my whole life I’ve played in neutral. Not totally fucking it up(Sorry mama), but not aggressively pursuing anything. Anything.

I was an average student in high school. I passed all my tests with As but refused to do homework. I wasn‘t outright failing but I didn’t put out any effort to make anything above a C. I wasn’t really in any clubs. I ended up in the Theatre program only because I didn’t make the Musical Theatre program. I was on the step team for maybe a month, but never performed. I’ve never really pursued any friendships I just hung out with people who hung out with me. I’ve played my entire life in auto-pilot. Giving just enough to get by. Why?


What can I do to break out of this shell? It truly feels like I’m fighting myself sometimes. I’m stuck in a mediocre frame of living. I can see myself gliding through life and I’m fighting, but… I’m terrified. Terrified that if I actually, genuinely, give all of me and fail…

Nevertheless, I’m working on it. Fighting everyday to live. I falter as every one does and there are days where the fear brings on depression and I won‘t get out of bed, but then there are times where I’m out in the world: taking chances, stopping traffic, pursuing my dreams. It’s a work in progress, but I want to live and live vigorously.

Operation Household Name - December Edition

A video blog updating you on what's happening in the Queendom. ;)

From my heart and my mind to you.... Check it out!
Operation Household Name the December edition!

http://shoniquashandai.blogspot.com/
http://twitter.com/#!/shoniquashandai
http://www.youtube.com/shoniquashandai
http://resumes.actorsaccess.com/shoniquashandai
www.facebook.com/pages/Shoniqua-Shandai/212602495988

One step for mankind, A giant leap for Shoniqua Shandai

     Today I talked to someone I normally wouldn't have. A young lady stopped me on the street and asked me what profession I was in. She said she "models" and "acts". She wants to get into the industry and is unsure of how to and she wanted a friend. Lmao! Don't we all? Several times I attempted to blow her off and she would not leave me alone.

     Then I thought of Joyce Meyers. My mother was watching a sermon of hers several days ago. At the time it was early in the morning, I was hurriedly getting ready for an audition, as I usually am, and I was in a bad mood. I didn't think I was listening, but apparently my spirit was. Joyce was preaching on humility. Humbling ourselves is so detrimental, but few do it. Who are you to think you're better than anyone? Who decides that what you say is so much more interesting than what anyone could possibly come up with? Others' words are just as important, if not more, than our own.

     This bothersome woman, whom I was failingly trying to escape from, what made her unworthy of my conversation? If this was Beyonce or anyone else I felt could help my career, I'd have gladly stopped mid-step. Forget missing my bus, this person can do something for me!

     I don't want to be an unbalanced being. Talking more than listening. Receiving before giving. Today was a step towards becoming a better Shoniqua. 

     I gave that young black woman my phone number and actually listened. I didn't tune her out, which is my go to. lol I heard her… and in our very brief interaction I gave her the best advice I could think of on the spot, "Go on Lacasting.com, It has everything." lol And even if nothing comes of this. She never calls. She never acts a day in her life. I gave today, what have you done?

Lesson Learned

Twice reaffirmed, I don't need a third time.

Two times, within days of each other and in impeccably different ways, I've learned the lesson that I need to have more respect for myself. I get it. If I don't respect me, no one else will. Knowing this I should expect to be hurt, but with or without preparation heartache doesn't feel good.

It hurts. I don't like being taken advantage of. I don't like having people who I thought were my friends blatantly disrespect me. Am I misleading myself?

I feel like I carry myself as a confident woman. I feel like a queen, most of the time, but when it comes down to it I'm still the same girl from Richmond, VA, who heard what they said and ignored it. Head held high, but walking alone in silence. Well, no more.

I understand I can't fight every battle, but no longer will I just sit. I'll take it one battle at a time, until... Until I see myself the way God sees me, even if I have to lie to myself. I refuse to be disrespected. Or ignored. Or taken advantage of. I will not keep the woman I could be imprisoned because I'm afraid. No longer will I be a victim of words unsaid. No longer will I toss and turn at night in shame and embarrassment at my own cowardice.

Look out, World! You've unleashed a being yet seen. No one can stop what God has for me. No one. Not even me. Message. Received. 

God Keeps Telling Me To Shut Up

      I love singing, even more so than acting. :-O Yeah, I said it. But I rarely do it. I truly don't think I'm that great of a singer and it doesn't help that the people around me are absolutely spectacular at it. lol Recently my doubts have gotten really bad. I've had several solo arguments with God about it and I've even considered giving it up, but I just LOOOOVE doing it so much.
      Yesterday, I wrapped on Chihuahua: The Movie and the Sound Mixer gave me his business card, lo and behold the sound guy works in music. :) He has a studio and writes music and is "always in the need of singers". Could this be a sign?
      Later on we're discussing music and one of the producers comes over and asks me to sing. My heart stops. OH GAH!!! I open my mouth and belt out Aretha praying all the way that I don't crack. Everyone on set stops whatever they're doing and listens. *sigh* When I finish they roar and I'm pretty ecstatic. I exit to well wishes and hugs.
      Later on I sign out in the office and both of the producers are having a discussion. Greg, the producer who asked me to sing, has two movie ideas in mind, one circling around a singer. *wink* I won't give too much info because I'm not sure what I'm allowed to say and what I'm not and I really don't want to jinx myself. But long story short, I inspired him to want to make a movie about a singer. I did extra work on one of his last projects and he remembered my amazing attitude from that.... :-D What a way to wrap a movie?
      Today I started shooting The Untitled Gospel Project. The director is also the writer, star actress, producer, casting director, editor, and is composing the soundtrack. ROTFLMAO! Now it sounds bad and terribly unprofessional, but its not. We're filming in a nice location with a pretty great crew. Everything is going ahead of schedule and the script is good. The woman is multitasking her ass off and it works for her. We wrap my scene of the day and sit and talk. She asks me to sing the title track for the soundtrack!!! SERIOUSLY?!!! All of this in two days and that's not even all that has happened, but just the major things.
      When God moves he moves. I really don't know why I continue to doubt. I went through this before and he showed me I was on the right path. It's like I praise him for the miracles and forget or something distracts, and I'm right back to doubting. Then he has to go and prove himself again. It's an endless cycle. Well I'm done doubting! God didn't make me to sound like Beyonce. Or Aretha. Or Tatiana McConnico. lol. I'm Shoniqua Shandai. A Queen. Beautiful, funny, well-dressed lol, intelligent, a phenomenal actress, and a bad ass singer. Greatness comes in individuality and I'm embracing my Queendom!