New Years Goal

I want another tattoo. lol "A Cookie Cutter Outline of Noah's Ark"

Noah was fierce.

Despite the whole world and his family doubting him and probably commenting on his sanity behind his back (some to his face), Noah did what God told him to.

I want to be like Noah.

Strong. Detemined. Driven. Righteous.

"Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me." - Matthew 5:11

Follow your dreams. Follow your heart. Only you and God know whats right for you.
Greatness comes in individuality... Embrace your Queendom!

HAPPY NEW YEARS!

$3,800 Full Skirt, Norma Kamali

"Hatin' On The Club" Rihanna feat. The-Dream

Its only fair if something makes you feel so good and uplifts your mood, that you're entitled to tell someone else about it.

I was in the crappiest mood. I'd slept for 20 hrs straight. lol That's bad. My head was hurting. I was feeling dizzy and anxious. My first batch of anxiety in a very long time. So I put on music and nothing was making me feel better. Beyonce, Trey Songz, Tyga, Toni, even MJ wasn't working. Then this song came on. "Hatin' On The Club" Rihanna feat. The-Dream.

Needless to say, I've never exactly felt what she's describing in the song. The Non-existant aka My Love Life I've never heard about my man kissing someone else in the club, causing me to hate the club. lol The song just made me feel good.

Rihanna's voice fits the song perfectly. I don't think she's the best singer, but the way she changed my mood she could be the next Whitney Houston. The beat has a great energy about it and its easy enough with the catchy church hand clap underlaying. The-Dream penned it and everyone who knows me knows I LOVE THE-DREAM! The man is incredible, with hits like "Single Ladies" by Beyonce, "Umbrella" also by Rihanna, and "Bed" by J.Holiday.

So no ones confused "Hatin' On The Club" isn't a new song. It was recorded during the Good Girl Gone Bad sessions, but didn't make the album.

It makes me want to sing & dance = Anxiety gone = I feel better.

And it gave birth to my first official music review post. "Hatin' On The Club" will always have a special place in my heart. *wipes tear* lol

It's Been A While

Untitled

I love nothing the way that I love you.

Unconditional.

Without qualms or expectations even.

I watch you exploit me, continuously.

Ridicule. Abandon. Enchant, and yearn for another.

Idolize women whom are nothing like me.

My arms comfort you.

My words support and coddle you.

My body shelters, warms, and births you.

My love moves mountains.

And you.

You idolize every woman but me.

New. Different. Exotic. Not me.

Black man.

Just Another Sad Love Song

I haven't blurbed in a while. So here it is. lol   No poetry, nothing fancy. Just me ranting on   one topic. lol

Just Another Sad Love Song

I don't like love songs. They make me feel sad and lonely, yet I can't stay away from them. Is everyone out living this exciting, fulfilling, happy life accompanied by their soulmate who completes them in every way possible and dishes out mind-blowing sex 24/7? Am I missing out?

...AND THE SAD LOVE SONGS!

They're even more depressing. Not the actual stories they're telling, though they do get pretty rough, but the begging and crying. Someone was motivated by another human being enough to pour their hearts out and embarrass themselves for all of our benefit. I've never felt that longing for anything, well success and clothing... so does that make me superficial.

A man has yet to trump the way I feel about myself or my career or my favorite pair of shoes. I cried when I lost my burgundy guess purse and stiletto cowboy, burgundy, butterfly engraved, Nine West boots to match, (Moment Of Silence, Please. Those shoes were bad.) yet I never gave a damn about anyone of the opposite sex. A man hasn't moved me to create, write, or even play a love song on repeat and day dream in the dark. I do that for myself. lol That's my me time.

Does this stem from me never really knowing my father? I'm trying to counsel myself right now. lol My father has been incarcerated for most of my life and my mother fell a victim to project twins...

Project Twins

When a man gets two diff. women pregnant at the same time.

"Man, you hear about Rob?"

"Nah, what happened?"

"He got Denise & Sherrie pregnant at the same time."

"Ah ha! That nigga havin' 'Project Twins!'"

Courtesy of UrbanDictionary.com There's even a link where you can get the definition on a mug for $19.95 http://bit.ly/MxC9f

...and this is causing me to close myself off from guys as to not repeat the cycle. Likely, but pretty much bullshit. I haven't found a man worthy of me. I'm the shit and he should be too. Men step your game up. I'm getting bored.

A Letter to the Black Woman

This is a must hear... I've had it on repeat all morning.

It was 4am when I wrote this. And after, I realized the reason for my insomnia. I've always been a night person, but more often that not moments of uneasiness are replaying in my head. I believe I am my most vulnerable right before slumber, and thats when my words unsaid reek havoc.... How that moment should've went. What I should've said. Hence, I write a lot at night. lol

A Letter To The Black Woman

Black Woman!!!!!
What verification is required?
The touch of black lips? His warmth on your back? Protective arms?
A dreadlocked king?
The man that tainted your existence barefoot, crying, and kneeling for forgiveness?
A long lost parent’s smile of approval ? Hug of appreciation? Acknowledgement?
A Financial Security Blanket?
Acceptance from the ones who denied it?
What makes you so spiteful, full of self abhorrence, vindictive, judging, spitting putrid hate?

I love you.

More than you’ll ever know.
Black queens. Rulers of Mother Earth.
Your existence should be glorified.
Statues resurrected.
Power in your footsteps.
Brilliance in your glance.
Fingers of creativity.
Wombs of infinite blessings.

Stop it!
Diminishing yourselves.
Tolerating demons.
Justifying worthlessness.
Hating each other.
Hating ourselves.
Your venom kills.
Ripping tears of pity, sympathy, hate, and anger from me.
My heart bleeds for you.
Let me comfort & console you.
Let me love you for you.
Black woman.
Black queen.

Heres to making new and better memories

Heres a picture from my 1st performance in my 1st time starring in a play in Hollywood!!!! Starring not costarring, not even sharing a lead. I AM THE STAR!!! lol

Goodbye to Yesterday


Today I saw some old friends and they were still doing the same thing.
Hanging around the same place.
Traveling in the same maze.
I thank God for awareness.
I see my old patterns.
I thank God for strength.
I see them and I break them.
I thank God for wisdom.
A new path I seek.
I thank God for tomorrow and where ever he leads me.



I've been super busy. I apologize to myself for breaking my promise to me. WRITE. I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY! lol

The Woman I Want To Be

If I could change one thing about myself it would be my time management skills. lol Sometimes I wish I could be more driven and determined. Constantly working and always grinding. Everyday getting better, every moment well occupied... For those that know me, they are certainly aware that I'm improving and growing. lol So here's something I wrote about it, the woman I want to be.

Miss Efficiency

Whirlwinds of sound soaring through skies
A tunnel of memories
A speck in life's line
Hundreds of years here and forgotten
She carefully maneuvers through the paths of tomorrow
Seconds accounted
All tasks assigned
Swinging a net made of efficiency and pride
Catching goals and tackling dreams
Dodging sorrows
Avoiding all grief
Swooping up laughter, peace, and prosperity
Speeding through time
Amazingly fulfilled
Bundled with joy and a life well lived

A Glimpse Of Me

I'm so quick to spill my heart on paper when I'm upset, but rarely when I have good news. When I'm happy I'm too busy living it to share. Well, I booked my first play where I'm completely leading it. Go see it. lol
And heres my first dabble in happy poetry. I call it A Glimpse Of Me

A Glimpse Of Me

I am renewed
Spirits in high gear
Rainbows and Cotton Candy
White Mist and Bright Colors
Leaping and Flying
Happy Tears Rejoicing
I am becoming complete.
Growing and Reconnecting
Floating on clouds
Sea Breeze and Money Trees
Loving me

Hunger

Bare floors, cold walls,
Long hours, too much time.

Occupied with nothingness
Fill my void.

Yearning for distractions
Losing my mind
Aching silence overflowing with anxiety
Pent up energy
Romantically imbalanced

Lifespan of dead-ends and u turns
Fill my void

Challenging and unbreakable
Everyday surrendering
Searching
Grasping

Reaching for something
Fill my void

Blindly running
No map. No guide.
Fleeing from the unknown
Running to a mystery.
Memory clouded.
But I know I need

I know I want
Fill my void.

Stomach burning,
Heart pounding,
Throat inflamed.
Tear ducts empty
Fire through my veins
Forever in motion
Forever...
Chasing possibilities,

Looking for peace of mind.
Fill my void.

No stone unturned.
No avenue unexplored.
Reading

Listening

Finding something to fill the void.

$98 Bustle of Lysistrata, Artlab

I'M READY. I'M READY. I'M READY.

I wanna sing.
Blues and Purples. on a smoky scene.
Sequins and bright lights stilettos all gleam.
Sweat on my lips but my makeup is still flawless.
Chills float as my words evoke feelings kept hidden.
Singing thoughts unsaid, pushing the boundaries.
Belly moving, thighs touching, arms in the air
Internal punches with Lyrical blows
A therapeutic invasion by musical prose.
I wanna cause an effect.
Conquering the masses.
Changing the scene.
Daring to be different.
Inspiring aspirations.
I want to sing.

Don't Tell Anyone

I’M SCARED OF BEING ALONE.
That I’ll never fall in love.
Maybe I’m too picky.
Think I deserve more than I’m worth.
I should act the way I look.
Settle.

WHO DO I THINK I AM?
I’m not beautiful.
Talented.
Intelligent.
I should act the way I look
Settle.

I'M SCARED OF BEING UNSUCCESSFUL.
So I tend to not give a 100%.
If I didn’t go for it whole-heartedly.
Then I can’t fail tremendously.
I’m a coward.
And I’m lazy.
What am I getting myself into?
I should find something else to do.
Settle.

I don’t have her drive.
Determination.
Endurance.
Social skills.
Who do I think I am?
What am I getting myself into?
I should act the way I look.
Settle.

$695 Artist Concreteside Sandals, Omelle

I Need A Shower

I'm in NY and it only took me forever to get here. I was delayed 4 hours.

Why do most love songs make me sad?

Katy Perry 'Thinking of you', I'm in love with the video and have watched it for two days repeatedly.

Life on Mars

Day 1
I get to VA and ride the BUS(!!!) to Willow Lawn with my younger cousin D. He goes into Target and I, Barnes and Noble. I purchase my book and walk to Target and there are three cop cars outside; a officer greets me in the parking lot. "Are you Darryl's cousin? Welcome back to VA?" My 15 year old cousin gets arrested for trying to steal a play station from Target. They take him away and I'm stranded at a deserted mall. Day 2-6
My best friend gets a new boyfriend. She went through two in the first 4 days that I was there. Her new boyfriend, Ken, pays her car note, past due credit card bills, takes us and her sister out to dinner, and treats us to several nights at the Sheraton, all in the first 2 days. (Note: I only see my best friend when her boy friend TELLS her to bring me, otherwise I'm at her place with her family, ALONE!) Now every time we're with him Ken has to make "runs" (drug dealer), but she says I'm being judgmental and he "fixes cars on the side." After my week of being stranded at her place with her family, who I love dearly, my feelings are hurt. I'm upset, ready to go home. I mean I haven't seen her in 2 years (I live in CA!) I come and visit her and the chick completely blows me off. The last straw, we had plans to go somewhere, but her and the bf decide to clean the house. Well, he does most of it. It takes them forever! While they're cleaning I take a nap, wake up and she's gone out with him. So I left, called my Aunt grabbed my things and left. Told her mom goodbye and I wasn't coming back.

Several Days Later
I'm going out to dinner with my mentor Mrs. Christine, AMAZING!! Spent a few nights at my Aunt's and now I'm staying with Christine and my phone starts malfunctioning. But low and behold there's a text on my phone from Missy. "I know you f'ing hate me right now but this guys a criminal" Not 'Sorry' or 'How are you?' But once again only thinking of herself. She's in a situation, so she needs her best friend :( Hmmm.... I never got a chance to answer back. I forgot my charger on a completely different side of town. So my phone's dead and I'm stranded in COUNTRY ASS VIRGINIA!!! One good thing is I'm with Christine and she's amazingly sweet and funny and... just the best. But I want my phone! I can't call my friends and I found out later that my friend was going to take me to Strut. I missed STRUT! Strut's a fashion show, but they go all out. Acts in between, just complete entertainment.

Today...

leave tomorrow night for New York and my phones still dead so there's no chance of me seeing anyone before I go. I haven't even seen my sister because my niece was in the hospital, then my phone broke, and now her car's broke. Worse vacation ever!!!

Okay I've vented. lol
And it wasn't the worse... I learned several things:
I know who the people who really love me are.
I learned several ways to further my career.
I am way more determined now; there's a yearning.
I have a new goal. By March 31 of 2010 I want an apartment on Wilshire Blvd with a dog. I'm going to make it a home for myself and I will be able to afford it on my own.
I read the The Power of the Actor by Ivana Chubbuck. Best book ever.
And watched limitless amount of movies. You can call it homework. I am ready to achieve!

Slowly, but Surely. I have no doubts!

This month of "vacation" has let me know how much I love LA. I can't wait to go home and get back to work. The anticipation is overwhelming.

I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready...

To get back to work.
To diet and exercise. :)
To do an extra role whenever possible.$$$
To AUDITION!
TO WORK!!!!

Whatever I have to do to get where I want to be. I know my overall objective. I'm ready to achieve!